


An Understanding of Sacrifice

by SolarisRasa



Series: Sol's Malec Whumptober 2020 [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Day 2 and 5, Family Feels, Kidnapping, M/M, Misunderstanding, Nightmares, Whump, Whumptober 2020, good ending, impossible choices
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 15:55:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26790253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SolarisRasa/pseuds/SolarisRasa
Summary: No 2. IN THE HANDS OF THE ENEMY“Pick Who Dies”No 5, Alt Prompt-NightmaresThe boys are in danger and Alec must stall for time. In his bid to save them both he must make the impossible choice, one that Magnus doesn't stick around to understand.Nightmares and talking through the things that happened just need a little push.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Sol's Malec Whumptober 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1953454
Comments: 7
Kudos: 168
Collections: Favorite Malec Stories





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Day 2. Technically. Going to add a second chapter after I sleep :)

Alec had never taken joy in killing. He had felt justified, had killed demons easily and with a sort of pride, had taken others lives when necessary and had lost sleep over the ones he thought he could’ve done better by, but never had there been joy.

Standing in an almost empty diner he thought that might be changing, tonight. Magnus and Jace were on their way, forced to come on foot and carefully so they didn’t alert their enemy and force his hand. All Alec had to do was stall.

Easier to do when he didn’t have to look into the terrified eyes of his six and eight year old sons. 

The rogue shadowhunter that had them sat calmly between the boys, holding the end of the chains he’d wrapped around them like leashes. Max even had magic-repressing shackles on his thin wrists and Alec’s stomach rolled at the sight of them. They were so small, to fit his little boy, and the clear age of them only served to make the sick feeling worse. He couldn’t focus on that though.

A sphere at the man’s feet, imbued with magic, cast a ward wide enough that Alec couldn’t get close.

“Rosegale, what do you need with my boys?” Alec kept his tone even, keeping things calm was the best chance he had.

Rosegale smiled, his white teeth and good looks not hiding the madness that burned in his eyes, “I already have what I needed from them. You’re what they need now. You can help them.”

Alec nodded slowly, “That’s what I’m here for. How can I help them?”

“You can free them.”

The man shifted the chains to one hand, drawing his seraph blade with his right hand and laying across his lap. Rafael eyed it with a calculating light and Alec had to stop himself from giving his son away in his spike of fear that Rafe would try to take it. He swallowed his feelings, the frustration at Rosegale. It was better if the man wanted to toy with him a little, bought him time.

“How do I do that Stephan?”

He tapped the blunt side of the blade to Max’s shoulder, making the boy flinch away and Rafael jerk toward his brother. He yanked the chains to force them back into place on either side of him.

“It’s simple, I promise. Just, pick one of them.”

He said it with a kind tone, like he was doing Alec a favor and his eyes settled on Max, the seraph blade still pointing at him. Stephan looked back at Alec, tipping his head to the side in question and Alec felt sick.

“Pick who dies.” Alec said, voice hollow, “You said I was here to free them both.”

“Well, yes. One can go home and one is free from everything.”

“Why?”

Stephan huffed, “Because you and your husband killed  _ my  _ son.”

Alec swallowed a shout, “He was trying to kill his own sister, he was with the Circle when they attacked her patrol!” 

Rosegale just stared at him and terrible clarity descended on Alec.

“You were there. You were part of the backup that came with us. You had to decide didn’t you? To let Magnus and I get to your son or to let him kill his sister and get away.”

Max whimpered and Rosegale tugged the chains harshly, making both boys stumble, bringing the blade frighteningly close.

“I made my choice. It saved my daughter, and it kept my son from facing worse in Idris. But you’re taking too long Lightwood- _ Bane.  _ I only had seconds.”

“I needed time to-”

“Decide. Now. Or I’ll kill them both.”

Alec knew, he knew that Magnus was nearly there but Rosegale wouldn’t hold back. He had to give an answer and pray that the man had something to say about it, some little thing that would give him the seconds he needed to save his children. He glanced at Max who looked miserable and who was staring at him with wide eyes, something in them making Alec hate himself more than he’d ever done before. His sweet little boy blue who so clearly expected it to be him.

“Now.” Stephan repeated, fingers flexing on his blade.

Rafael looked back at Alec, his eyes were clear and he tipped his chin just a little. He was eight but he’d always been serious, seen too much not to understand a few things that Magnus and Alec had mostly managed to shield Max from. Rafe knew he would die, that he and Alec were destined to leave their family behind, he knew too the weight of sacrifice, of duty. 

This moment would haunt Alec forever.

“Max,” Rosegale nodded, like it was a foregone conclusion that Alec would sacrifice his warlock son and Max sucked in a breath, Alec didn’t look away from Stephan, “is coming home with me. Kill Rafael.”

Stephan looked surprised and then his brows pulled together, even as he stood, lifting his blade.

“Interesting choice. I guess the baby you raised will always be more yours than this little lost thing.”

Alec had stopped trying not to cry, though Rafael wasn’t. Max was sobbing, begging Stephan, Alec, anyone and trying desperately to attack Rosegale. He took the moment to shove Max through the wards, the magic keyed to allow it.

It was the moment they needed as Magnus’ magic burned through the opening. The sphere shattered and Stephan dropped, unconscious. 

No doubt Magnus had restrained himself to spare their children  _ something. _

“Rafe-” Alec rushed forward only to meet a wall of Max’s power this time, the cuffs off. His son stared at him but didn’t drop the shield, even as Rafe called for him.

“Max, let him through, it’s okay.” 

Max didn’t get a chance to before Magnus was there, pulling both children away from Alec with hard eyes, “Stay back.”

“Magnus, they’re okay, you made it, we got them-”

“Stay away from my family.”

Alec jerked back, more tears rolling over his cheeks and then Jace was there, arm around him.

“Magnus, c’mon, you know he had to give him something.”

“There were other ways, other things he could’ve said.” Magnus had never looked so cold and Alec shuddered.

Stephan was out of the picture and the weight of what had happened was pressing down on him. He’d thought, when the boys were free, he would have a moment, have Magnus to lean on and to be leaned on by but Magnus was opening a portal and taking their children. Max didn’t look back at him but Rafael was trying to pull free, shouting for him.

“Stay out of my home.” Magnus snarled and the portal snapped shut.

Alec collapsed against Jace, ignoring his parabatai’s frantic words.

-

Late that night Magnus stood on his balcony, staring unseeing over Alicante.

He was doing his damndest to keep his emotions far away. Max had cried himself to sleep hours ago and Magnus was letting him stay that way so long as he didn’t seem to have nightmares, no doubt needing the rest after the trauma.

They had barely gotten back to the loft before Rafael had shut down on him. He had demanded, just once, that Magnus go get Alec, demanding his Dad.

Magnus had snapped, fear and adrenaline and horror coloring his reaction, that Rafael shouldn’t want to see the man who had decided-

Magnus squeezed his eyes shut.

He’d rushed to the diner on Jace’s heels, frantic and beyond fear in his need to get to his family, only to freeze when he came in, hearing Alec give the okay to kill one of their children. 

Rafael had stopped speaking, sat down exactly where he was standing and not moved. If Magnus turned around he was certain he would be able to see the little boy's dark hair facing the door, like he was waiting for it to open.

Enough time had passed that the horror Magnus felt had dulled into an exhausted ache, he didn’t want to sleep, going to bed without Alec would be what finally made it real. His husband who had been about to sacrifice their child. He opened his eyes again, drank the rest of his whiskey and turned to go inside and try to get Rafe to at least go to sleep.

The boy was standing right behind him, glaring.

“Papa, you can’t send Dad away forever.”

“He’d not your-”

Magnus didn’t get further, not with the way that Rafael’s already pale face went white and he trembled like a leaf.

“Rafe.”

“No! Daddy, he was, I t-told-” Rafael’s big eyes were frantic and Magnus wanted to rip out his own hair, he didn’t know how they were supposed to come back from this. He didn’t know how he was supposed to look at Alec and Rafe was falling apart. Rafael only called Alec Daddy when he was afraid of being left again.

“I told him it was okay! With my eyes I told him to pick me!”

“He shouldn’t have picked at all!” Magnus dropped to his knees, reaching for the boy and trying to explain why he had to keep Alec away, even as his own heart ached for its mate.

“He h-had to.” Rafael swallowed, “The man said that if he didn’t pick one of us, right then, he would kill us both. He was going to. Daddy  _ had  _ to. You can’t take him away from me because he  _ had  _ to!”

Magnus tried to comfort Rafe, despite the sudden pounding in his ears as the situation shifted to make more sense. Of course, of course Alec had no other option. Trapped on the outside of the ward he would’ve been trying to keep things calm, but if Rafe was right he had done the only thing he’d really been able to, especially knowing Jace and Magnus had to be close.

Rafael tore away from his attempted hug, shaking and staring, “You have to bring Daddy home.”

He was right, Magnus knew he was right. He dreaded facing Alec after the conclusions he’d jumped to but he had to.

He wouldn’t leave the boys alone though. He summoned his phone and dialed Alec’s number. It rang through and he swallowed, dialing again and getting nothing. Alec  _ always  _ answered his calls if he was safe enough to do it and he was a light enough sleeper…

Magnus tried Jace.

_ “You had better be calling because you’ve pulled your head out of your ass enough to grovel.” _

Relief flooded him at the sound of Jace’s voice, pissed as he was.

“Yes. Rafael explained a little and I am calm enough now,” he lied, “that I realize I’ve made a dreadful mistake.”

_ “He’s bad, Magnus. He’s real bad. I know you can’t leave the boys so bring them with you. Clary and I can watch them, Izzy if I can get her to leave Alec. Get here.” _

Jace hung up and Magnus banished his phone.

Rafael was watching him carefully, face pinched and pale.

“We’re going to get Alexander. Your aunts and uncles are going to spend a little bit with you and Max so I can tell him-” Magnus trailed off.

“Tell him sorry and you love him.” Rafael said, determined.

“Yes.” Magnus said, gentle.

Rafe’s tight shoulders relaxed, just a fraction.

-

Left alone with Alec in Jace’s bedroom, Magnus was at a loss. His husband was laying perfectly still, not sleeping but not really present. The distance between them stretched unnaturally the longer Magnus’ stared at the tense lines of Alec’s back.

Jace had given him a very pointed look when he’d opened his bedroom door for Magnus and said, “He’s in here, since his old room was reassigned and the guest rooms wouldn’t be good for him.”

Magnus had nearly stripped Alec of his family and his home in a moment of hasty assumption and terrified decision making. Abruptly he couldn’t stand not to be touching his husband.

He clicked his fingers, replacing his clothes with soft cotton, and climbed onto the bed so he could hold Alec.

He stayed silent, just holding Alec against his chest and feeling his heartbeat under his fingers. Slowly he felt the tightness in Alec’s body ease.

“Jace call you?” Alec asked, quiet and resigned.

“No. I called.” 

Alec hummed and Magnus let the silence settle over them again. Eventually, he couldn’t keep it any longer.

“Rafe wouldn’t speak to me for hours. Max is okay, I let him sleep and he was doing better when I left the boys with Clary and everyone. Rafael told me that you were forced to choose Alexander. I need you to know that I was terrified and I only heard you condemning our son. I wasn’t thinking straight and I reacted-”

“Like an asshole.” Alec muttered, rolling so they were facing each other. He still looked a little glazed but a lot more present than Magnus had expected. He also looked like a man who’d been forced to pick which child he’d rather see die and Magnus felt the yawning chasm of guilt crack open inside his chest. He’d been ready to let Alec shoulder everything alone.

“I’m so sorry. Alexander, I’m so-” Magnus gasped and pressed their foreheads together, overwhelmed, “ _ sorry.” _

Alec hummed again and then his wide hands were framing Magnus’ face, “I know. It’s not okay, none of what happened is okay and I’m going to need your help talking to the boys after this and we need to have a long, long conversation.”

“But?” Magnus prompted.

“But I am exhausted, all the way through, and I already forgave you, so please. Just...hold me and let me lay in your arms? I need a little rest and a lot of strength to see the boys.”

Magnus smiled, a little things, and adjusted to hold Alec how he liked.

“You’re my family and my home is always going to be wherever you are. I love you.” Magnus murmured into his hair and felt Alec smile against his shoulder. 

"I love you too."

Together they eased into sleep. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All is not resolved but all is hopeful  
> Technically written for whumptober day 5, alt prompt Nightmare

This moment would haunt Alec forever.

“Max,” Rosegale nodded, like it was a foregone conclusion that Alec would sacrifice his warlock son and Max sucked in a breath, Alec didn’t look away from Stephan, “is coming home with me. Kill Rafael.”

Stephan looked surprised and then his brows pulled together, even as he stood, lifting his blade.

“Interesting choice. I guess the baby you raised will always be more yours than this little lost thing.”

Alec had stopped trying not to cry, though Rafael wasn’t. Max was sobbing, begging Stephan, Alec, anyone and trying desperately to attack Rosegale. He took the moment to shove Max through the wards, the magic keyed to allow it.

Max caught himself, the cuffs bruising his little wrists as he did. Alec stepped forward, ready to grab his son, but Rosegale’s inhale stopped him. He looked back at Rafael. His serious little boy, who laughed so loud when Magnus peppered him with kisses and who cuddled Alec on movie nights.

“Raf-”

Rosegale’s blade slid cleanly through his small body and Alec watched Rafael shudder, looking at the sword, the same as the one his father wielded, as it was pulled back out of his chest. He collapsed, choking and then going still.

Stephan turned his blade on himself and the wards fell.

Alec got to Rafael, hands searching over his small frame frantically. There was no breath, no heartbeat, his blood wet the knees of Alec’s pants and he pulled him close, sobbing.

“Rafe!” Alec looked at Max but his son looked terrified, stumbling away from him and Alec gently, so gently, laid Rafael down. He needed to help Max. He stood and a weight in his hand drew his focus away from Max who was shaking, hands up as if to beg.

He was holding a seraph blade, blood running off the end. Max coughed, his blue lips going red, Alec’s fingers were sticky with the blood of both of his children. He turned, frantic, to see Magnus’ body, lying partially over Rafael, obviously having tried to protect him.

His husband's empty eyes suddenly focused on him, his pale mouth moved, “Alexander.”

-

Alec woke with a sucked in breath. The racing of his heartbeat held him still even as he wanted to curl in on himself. 

Magnus rolled toward him in the dark, the movement lighting his nerves afire as he regained control of himself. He shoved away from his husband, half falling out of their bed and staggering to the bathroom where he curled up between the toilet and the bath, breathing hard. 

He could feel the hot blood cooling on his fingers still, could see Rafael’s wide dark eyes as the blade cut him down. He had consigned his son to that fate with his choice and the rest...well. Alec shuddered, staring at his pale fingers, needing to  _ see  _ that he was clean of the blood he’d dreamed. Max’s little body, Magnus’ desperate, crumpled form, he could practically see them on the floor in front of him.

-

Magnus couldn’t say what woke him, maybe the sudden loss of warmth at his side, maybe it was that he couldn’t hear Alec snoring, but he thought it was most likely the feeling of dread that seemed to hang in the very air. His wards registered no intruders, but they were restless just the same.

He blinked at the ceiling, his unglamoured eyes much better in the dark than a humans. He pushed himself up, scanning the room. Alexander wasn’t there, the bathroom door was open but Magnus couldn’t see him in there either.

He sighed, debating getting up to find him. Just as he slid back down, deciding to let Alec have some time to himself, he registered that he could still hear breathing that wasn’t his own. Too many horror movies meant that first he went tense, skin prickling, before he realized Alec had to be nearby.

Was he on the floor?

Magnus got out of bed, meaning to check his closet or maybe under the bed, though that seemed ridiculous. He didn’t get that far though, the new angle showed him Alec’s feet and he felt his stomach drop. They were pressed to the floor hard enough that he could see the pressure being put on his toes, like Alec was trying to force himself to be as compact as possibly.

The picture only made him more upset as he moved to see more of his husband. Alexander had jammed himself between the toilet and the bathtub and was pushing himself against the wall with his folded legs, his arms stuck at his sides, hands pushing against the floor as well.

He was staring at the floor and Magnus imagined how dark it must be for him, with the curtains pulled shut and the late hour. He was breathing shallow, lips parted just enough for the air to flow nearly silently. 

“Alexander?”

He didn’t move and Magnus realized, from the way his eyes moved, he was seeing something that Magnus wasn’t.

Slowly Magnus knelt in his eyeline, “Darling?”

He touched Alexander’s ankle, just the lightest touch to test for his reaction. Alec flinched violently and tried to push himself further away, slamming into the wall, tub, and toilet respectively as he scrabbled at the floor with hands and feet.

“Alec!” Magnus reached for him, stopping just a hair’s breadth from him. Alec was focused on him now, but no less frantic as his gaze darted around. Magnus clicked his fingers and a soft glow pulsed, like the nightlights he’d made for the boys. Alec’s wide eyes met his.

“Oh,  _ Alec.”  _ Magnus made a little gesture with his hands, indicating he wanted Alexander closer, if he’d allow it.

Slowly, clearly hurting from however long he’d been crammed into the small space, Alec scooted closer, folding himself into Magnus’ arms.

“I-I, Rafael.” Alec shuddered, “I looked at him and I knew, it couldn’t be Max, not when he expected it and so did Rosegale, just because he’s a warlock. I could see how certain he was I was going to chose him and-” He shakes his head and Magnus can’t speak, his heart is being pulled out of his chest as Alec speaks while he shakes, “Rafe is a Nephil. A Shadowhunter.”

“He’s a child.” Magnus can’t stop the raw edge of horror, the same feeling from that night surging through him. It’s been nearly a week and they’ve all tried to move around it, not talking it out how they should. The boys have been quiet, Max won’t talk to Alec and Rafael clings to him and Magnus knows, can’t help, how he’s pulled away from Alexander too. This is the result.

His husband is shivering so hard he’s having trouble speaking as Magnus tries to hold him, hold  _ them  _ together.

“I know. I  _ know.”  _

Worse than the shivering, than the vulnerability is the way that Alexander pulled away. He sat up straight, clearly suffering but holding himself with his shoulders pulled back, the soldier again and Magnus felt the bitter burn of self loathing. He knew, after what Rafael told him, after the stilted conversation he’d had with Alexander about what happened and the tearful recounting from Max, that Alec had been trapped, had been forced to make a choice. He knew that Alec had been desperately trying to buy them time, that he’d had his reasons and that even if he’d picked Max it wouldn’t have changed much. 

No, Magnus realized, it would have. Rosegale wouldn’t have paused, he’d been expecting that Alec would sacrifice his warlock son for the sake of one of his own people. That Magnus and Jace had been just in time to save Rafael because Rosegale had been surprised by Alec’s choice hadn’t registered before.

His Alexander, who was forcing himself to his feet now, reaching for Magnus’ hand with jerky movements. His Alexander who was hurting and even if Magnus had accepted him back into the house, had said he understood, he hadn’t forgiven him. Cursing himself Magnus let Alec help him up and guide him to their bed. When Alexander tried to step back then, Magnus kept his hand.

“Alexander. I,” He swallowed, “I love you and I just, I don’t understand how everything happened. I know you didn’t have a choice, but I wasn’t  _ there.  _ I’ve not handled any of this well and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know how to handle any of it and I’ve pushed you away, exactly like I promised not to. You’re my husband, my forever, and I should’ve been there to share it with you sooner. So please, Alexander, don’t pull away now.”

Alexander squeezed his fingers tightly, the nightlight had moved with them and Magnus watched the soldier slowly melt away the longer he and Alexander stood studying each other in the soft light.

Finally they both wordlessly agreed to get back into bed, Magnus sitting up so he could hold Alexander close.

“I don’t know how to talk to Max. He’s so angry at me but I think he’s also confused. He thought I was going to choose him, because despite  _ everything _ when we were shoved in that situation he still saw me as a Shadowhunter before I was his father and I-” Alec took a deep breath and Magnus squeezed him, heartache settling in to stay, “I don’t know where I’ve failed him so badly.”

Magnus waited, he knew that there would be a time for him to speak, but Alexander needed to get this out first.

“I know he’s upset with me for choosing Rafe, I know you are too. I-I feel sick because I know, in some ways, it would’ve been easier for you if I’d picked Max, you could’ve made sense of that faster and that’s…” Alec made a sound Magnus never wanted to hear again, but he couldn’t argue against the truth, it’s eaten away at him but Magnus knew that Alec was right. So much of his struggle to work through this with Alexander was his inability to accept that his husband looked between their children, who Magnus knew they both love equally, and chose Max’s life over Rafael’s. 

“You said,” Magnus started when Alec was quiet for too long, “Rafael is a Nephil.”

Alexander nodded where he was curled into Magnus, tighter with every word he’d said, “Max has been ours since he was too small to remember anything else. We’ve done our best to give him a good, happy home. Rafael  _ remembers  _ what happened to him before I found him. Shadowhunters teach their children from the cradle that our main purpose, our truest duty is to stand between evil, demons, and the world. Rafe knows sacrifice, Magnus. He knows what it means and he believes, like all children of Clave and Covenant that if someone  _ must  _ fall it’s his duty.”

The twisted, sour anger Magnus feels didn’t have a chance to spill over before Alexander added, “He’s so much like I was at his age.”

It’s the reminder Magnus needed that Alec doesn’t  _ want  _ Rafael to be like other Nephilim children, he’s only speaking from experience. It added a different layer of hurt but cooled Magnus’ anger.

“You picked Rafael because he’d already decided for you. It would give you more time if Rosegale was surprised, you couldn’t bear to prove Max right when he was so, so wrong, and Rafael-” Magnus paused, finally his sons words made sense, “He told you with his eyes.”

Alexander looked at him, features tense and confused, his eyes were puffy and red and Magnus wanted to ease the ache, “Yes.”

“He told me, when I was-” Magnus closed his eyes briefly, “upset with you, right after.”

“How do I fix this?” Alexander’s voice was small and Magnus shifted them so he was nose to nose with his husband.

“The same way as always. Together and with that trademark Lightwood determination.”

Alec smiled a little, “Lightwood-Bane. You’re twice as stubborn.”

“Of course. Alexander, if you just give Max sometime, sit with him and talk to him a little, he’ll come around. I think he needs you but he feels like he’s supposed to be angry with you, and maybe that’s partially my fault, but he loves you.”

“I do Daddy.” Max’s little voice chimed in and Magnus startled, squeezing Alexander harder.

“Sorry. There was a noise and it woke us up.” Rafael was hovering behind Max near their bedroom door. They’d started leaving it cracked for the boys when Rafael had come to live with them and it was always a sign they were welcome into the bedroom.

Magnus had been so focused on Alec he hadn’t heard them come in.

“I love you Daddy.” Max said again, climbing onto the bed with them. Magnus let Alexander go so he could reach for their son. He reached toward Rafael himself and sighed in relief when his boy rushed into his hold.

The four of them lay cuddled together, Max spread out on top of Alec and Rafael pressed between him and Magnus. Max yawned widely and pressed closer as Alec dropped a kiss onto his blue forehead.

“We c’n talk in th’ mornin’” Rafael offered around his own yawn and Magnus clicked his fingers, settling the blanket over them.

“Okay Rafe. Love you.”

“Love you too papa.”

Alec offered Magnus a tender, shaky smile and Magnus leaned to brush a kiss to the corner of it.

“Aku cinta kamu, Alexander.”

“Aku cinta kamu.” 


End file.
